Weddings are Overrated
by Phoenix Fanatic
Summary: Some weddings go perfectly, others don't. This is the chronical of the latter: Does Alanna deck the preacher? Will Neal forget his vows? Does Numair make a total fool of himself? The answers: yes, yes and yes.
1. AlannaGeorge

A/N- There are a lot of weddings out there on FanFiction, but instead of focusing on the fluffy-bunny moments, I decided to torture our dear Tortallan gang with what went _wrong_. Yes, this could be considered evil, but it's all for our sick amusement. Enjoy!

Disclaimer- -pokes name- I'm not Tamora Pierce, and never will be. The characters aren't mine.

**Alanna/George Wedding**

Right then and there, Alanna was ready to stab the monarch she has sworn her allegiance to. Well, he deserved it.

"And so," continued Jon, unaware of Alanna fingering the dagger in her sheath, "I believe the wedding will be held indoors, as the wind won't ruffle our hair. That would be catastrophic! Just think of it!"

_Oh, I'm thinking of it,_ Alanna thought, drawing out the dagger. _I'm really thinking._

Jon took another breath, ready to plow on with how the curtains will match Alanna's hair and nothing else, when the doors leading to Jon's study burst open. Thayet came in, proudly holding her prize by the ear: George.

"Nearly got away, lass," he told her. "But lovely Thayet here got me before I could make my escape."

"Escape!" laughed Thayet, prodding him with a finger. "You were in the mess, nursing an ale."

Alanna glared at George. "Why do you get to drink, when I have to suffer through _this?_" She jerked her head in the direction of Jon, who sat fingering his very lovely beard.

"Luck?" he tried, giving her a smile. She couldn't help it, and smiled back. The two became lost in each other's eyes, wanting only to be together for the rest of their lives-

"Well," said Thayet, putting George in a chair beside Alanna and drawing one up for herself, "where were we?"

"The curtains!" answered Jon enthusiastically, only half sarcastic. Alanna glanced longingly at her dagger and decided now would not be the best time. She scowled, sheathed it, and sorted out even more wedding plans.

* * *

"Gods," called Alanna, "give me strength. Today is the day I die and suffer a thousand deaths."

The Lioness decided that the Gods were either busy or laughing at her, as no one answered.

Thayet pulled even tighter on the lace strings linked to the waist of the wedding dress, making Alanna suck in her breath with a gasp.

"Thayet- Thayet!" she frantically called to her friend with a whisper. "Too tight!"

"Hmm?" called Thayet, pins in her mouth. "What was that?"

"Tight!" was all Alanna could manage before her lungs decided the pressure was too much.

Thayet leaned closer to Alanna's face, trying to decipher what she said. "Pardon?"

"She said it was too tight!" Buri, previously leaning against the wall trying to blend in, slashed at the laces with her throwing stars. Alanna doubled over, the breath rushing back to her lungs.

"What did you do that for?" asked Thayet, voice rising. "That's the way it's supposed to be! And look, you ruined the laces!"

"I couldn't _breath_, Thayet!" commented Alanna, standing straight. "Is that the way it's supposed to be?"

"_Yes,_" she snapped, taking lace from a pouch on the drawer. "_Today _is the day you get married. _Today _is the first day with your husband. _Today_-"

"_Today,_" came in Buri, "you lose your soul."

Alanna laughed, but Thayet whacked Buri with the pouch on her shoulder. "Don't encourage her!" the new queen said, nearly laughing. "Buri, can you start with the face paint? We're running behind schedule already."

Buri exchanged a look with Alanna, and they both understood immediately what each other wanted. Buri smirked while trotting over to the other side of the elaborately furnished dressing room to fetch the face paint, ready to make Thayet insane.

"Because no, you only wanted me and Buri to help you get ready, not the usual twelve!" rambled Thayet, pulling the new lace on Alanna's dress. "And then-"

Alanna tuned her out, only because Buri stood ready with the face paint. She gave Alanna a look of 'are you sure you want to do this?' Alanna nodded, barely containing her glee.

While Thayet worked with the dress, Buri started applying the face paint. Starting with the lip paint, she made sure her hand was not at all steady and went outside of the 'lines' of Alanna's lips. Next, she grabbed the 'eye shadow' and had it go everywhere. Literally, some landed on the Champion's forehead. The item Buri's hand clutched next was the blush, which was applied in copious amounts. Thayet, meanwhile, worked on making sure the dress fit in 'all the right places to make the men jealous'.

Dabbing other various paints, Buri spared nothing as she smeared Alanna's face with things she hadn't ever seen before. When she was done, she stepped back to admire her handiwork. Thayet, glancing upwards, shrieked.

Alanna looked like a mixture between a festival clown, a wench who worked the upstairs of inns and even a slight resemblance to a pig. Seeing Thayet's look of astonishment and dismay, Alanna and Buri broke out in hysterics.

"No!" Thayet, screeching away, dived for the nearest towel and began demolishing Buri's work. "We'll never get you ready in time!"

Alanna, still laughing, grabbed Thayet's hand. "Thayet," she told the queen, calming herself down. "Believe me, I'm not trying to make you go mad."

"I am!" called Buri, descending once again into whoops of mirth.

"Well, Buri's an idiot," Alanna told Thayet, not taking her eyes away. "I want to do this wedding. It's just, I'm- I'm nervous, all right? It helps me take a break from nerves."

The queen took her hand away from Alanna's. "I'll slow down the pace, is that fine? I'll tell Jon to have the ceremony an hour later."

The Lioness smiled slowly, realizing what her friend was doing. "Thanks, Thayet," she whispered.

"Can we do something stupid again?" asked Buri, already leaning on the wall again.

Alanna grinned widely. "First one to make Thayet scream wins."

* * *

_Gods,_ thought Alanna, _please, if you can't help me, just kill me. It'll be easier. _

But when George grinned at her from up the aisle, all of her anger evaporated at an incredible speed.

"Why is everything so _slow?_" she whispered to Myles, leading her down the aisle.

"So I can have my last moments with you," Myles replied. Glancing at him, Alanna saw a tear in his eye, betraying him.

Not wanting to embarrass him, Alanna took in her surroundings: to her alas, the curtains were indeed a fiery red. They were in a special, spacious ceremony room used for different types of events; Alanna had previously heard in had been used as a banquet hall, a birthing room and a funeral parlor. Gold and silver adorned each of the fifty chairs, and the altar was decorated with stunning detail. A plump priest, with George on his left, awaited her.

She noticed with amusement that her side of the aisle had all of her friends gathered to watch with the twenty-five chairs being reserved for only the closest. After the Coronation incident, Jon didn't like having more than one hundred people gathered with both monarchs in presence. George's section, however, were so obviously members of the Rogue that she was mildly surprised the Lord Provost hadn't arrested them yet. A sleazy-looking woman winked at her, and Alanna gave a weak smile back. Her dress, mid-cut, still emphasized her figure, and she didn't like the feeling it gave her.

She arrived at the altar, where Myles kissed her on the cheek and sat in his chair in the front row. Slowly, Alanna walked to George's side and faced the priest.

"Today," said the priest in a voice so slow Alanna winced, "we…are… gathered… here to… witness… two… lives… intertwining together."

That sentence alone seemed to take five minutes, so she whispered to him, "Can you hurry up, please?"

The preacher seemed shock. "My… dear?" he whispered.

"My dear here was just sayin' how lovely a job you're doing," commented George, squeezing her arm and giving her patience.

The preacher coughed, then turned his face upwards. "The… joining… of two… lives… is… a wondrous… event. It… resembles… the unity-"

Alanna stopped listening, although she knew she shouldn't have. She loved the man who held her right now, and would go to the ends of the planet for him. But even George would have to admit he didn't want her to suffer through the dragging on of the preacher's voice.

The Lioness's mind strayed, how someone near the back was crying, and someone in the front row had a pesky cough. Finally, she could take no more.

"Please," she interrupted the preacher in the middle of his speech, "can you hurry? I would highly appreciate it. Sir," she added as an afterthought.

She could practically feel Jon and Thayet throw looks that could kill at her back; it hadn't exactly been a whisper.

"Excuse me," he whispered, then spoke up with, "Excuse…me? I…am a… son of Mithros! Does… this… mean you… do not… wish… to… marry this… man, and… instead… wallow in… your… impatience?"

"Sir, I am not impatient!" she proclaimed, feeling George grasping her arm tighter.

Buri, sitting on Thayet's right, whispered to the monarch, "Her wick has caught fire. Her temper's going to explode!"

Thayet didn't reply, knowing Buri was right.

"Are…you saying you don't think I love George?" she asked, voice rising to a status of yelling.

"Lass," mumbled George, "don't do anything stupid."

"That's what you're saying, isn't it?" Alanna calmly stated to the preacher, who was growing red. "That I don't love George enough to wait this ceremony out?"

The preacher turned progressively redder, until finally he resembled more apple than human.

"Yes!" he called, "that…is what I'm saying!"

So Alanna finally did what she did best. She punched the preacher squarely in the nose, heard the self-satisfying _crunch,_ and grinned at George.

"I love you," she told him over the yells of the crowd and scraping of chairs as the preacher fell on his back. "But I just had to do that. I don't think Jon will be pleased, however."

"Don't worry," the former-Rogue told her. "A minute more and I'd have done the same."

They fell into each other's eyes, and kissed deeply.

Buri, standing next to the astonished Thayet, said simply, "Damn. That woman's got style."

* * *

A/N- This was supposed to be a lengthy oneshot, but if all of the pairings were this long it'd take forever to read. For thus reasons, I decided to split them up.

I haven't written the other pairings yet, as I wanted feedback. Good, bad, meant to be shredded? Please review!


	2. RaoulBuri

A/N- Thanks to all those who reviewed! Each one means the world to me.

**Raoul/Buri Wedding**

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Do you realize I could have you in the courts for insubordination?"

"….Yes. But you wouldn't, Jon. You don't have the heart….right?"

"Try me."

Jon grinned evilly, and Raoul decided to put something slimy and moving in his sovereign's bed that night. They were in his study, Raoul being called to 'have a talk' with his majesty after he publicly explained that there would be 'absolutely no ball after the wedding'.

"But Jon, why do we need a reception ball? They're stupid, pointless, a waste of time and money-"

"But you're missing out on the key fact!" said Jon, playing with his hands. "I get to see you dance."

Raoul scowled at him. "So you want to be scarred for life?"

"What do you mean?" asked Jon, sincerly confused.

"I can't dance," whispered Raoul, who buried his head in his hands.

* * *

"I thought the pages were all taught to learn how to dance," said Dom smoothly, enjoying every minute of Raoul's pain.

"That was years ago! And I haven't danced in years, literally. Please, Dom, teach me how to dance. And don't tell _anybody_."

Dom smiled coolly, a plan that only he could conceive coming into his head. "Of course not sir. When would you like your first lesson?"

Raoul glanced around the empty stables, barren but for hay, horses, and Dom. "Now?" he asked, sounding small. He stared at his feet.

Dom jumped from the hayloft and landed next to him. He grabbed Raoul's hands.

"You see, sir, dancing had changed over the years. It's much more…provocative lately."

"Really?" asked Raoul, oblivious to Dom's hidden snickers. Dom's plan went on the fact that Raoul hadn't been to a ball in years.

"Yes, sir. Nowadays the man places his hands…here, with me being the woman."

He placed Raoul's hands on his chest.

Raoul's eyebrows went up. "Really? Are you sure you're not having me on, here?"

"Sir, believe me. How else did I get my reputation for being the best dancer at court??" Dom replied. _Gods,_ he thought. _He must have had one too many giants bash him on the head._

Raoul nodded. "Continue."

"We'll start with the waltz. I put a foot backwards, and you put the opposite foot forwards."

With a resounding _thunk_, Raoul clumsily jammed his foot to the ground.

"Sir, I must say that you are terrible at dancing. Even Kel is better than you," the Sergeant said, noting Raoul's eyebrows shoot upwards.

"And how do you know that?" he asked.

* * *

Kel felt downright _evil._ Diabolical. Maniacal. Anything of that sort.

She was in her rooms, going through Lalasa's wedding dress plans for Buri. After Dom telling her earlier of his interesting lesson with her former knight-commander, she decided to jump in the plans of Let's-Make-Raoul-Look-Like-A-Fool.

A knock came on her door, and Kel didn't have time to stuff the papers anywhere before The Lioness herself marched in.

"Kel?" she asked. "Buri's looking for you- what are those?" She pointed to the papers.

"Oh, nothing," she said, "just reports."

"They don't look like reports," muttered Alanna, snatching the papers and leafing through them. "They're…dress plans. Gods, Kel, you're playing with fire here. If Buri catches you…"

"Did I ever tell you I'm a pyrotechnic?" she asked Alanna, who grinned. Kel gave her a questioning look, and Alanna replied, "I'm in."

* * *

"Thayet!" yelled Buri. "I…the dress…gods all curse!"

Thayet came bustling over to Buri, who had wriggled herself into the wedding dress moments before. Thayet glared at her. "What did you do to it?" she asked, her voice calm.

"I didn't do anything!" yelled Buri. "It came like this!"

The room, which Alanna had used years before for her own wedding, was empty but for the three women. From her position leaning on the counter full of face paint, Alanna tried not to grin at her and Kel's work.

They had scratched out Buri's measurements on the papers, and Lalasa had made the dress in the new measurements. Now, the dress was three inches too long, an inch too big at the waist and three too big in the bosom.

"This is a problem," muttered Thayet, wiping the sweat off her hands on her breaches. "A really, really big problem."

"My breasts are going to fall out!" Buri yelled, and Alanna couldn't help but snort at the poor woman.

"The wedding is in two hours!" said Thayet to herself, running in circles. "Oh gods oh gods…"

"Don't bother the gods with this, Thayet," said Alanna. "They have to worry if the scenery will at all match Buri's dress."

The queen glared at her. "Alanna, do Buri's face paint." A look came over Thayet's face. "On second thought, no," she said, which caused even Buri to laugh. "Instead, you see that lock of hair in her face? Can you cut that off? _Carefully?_"

A lock of hair had indeed escaped the restraints of the pulled-back hair. Alanna un-sheathed her knife, and exchanged glances with Buri…

Alanna gave points to Buri. Even though her dress was half-ruined, she still had enough nerve to make Thayet even more insane.

She chopped off the lock carefully, just as Thayet said. The queen looked up from her pacing, nodding. Then, grabbing the knife loosely, Alanna's knife slid through Buri's pulled-back hair, causing a rather large chunk to fall to the floor.

"Sorry, Buri," grinned Alanna. "I think I lost my grip."

Thayet looked up, and screeched.

Buri and Alanna doubled over, Thayet grabbing the knife and trying to level out Buri's head. When she was done, Buri resembled a circus freak.

Thayet took the knife and thrust it in Alanna's sheath. "We'll get a mage on that," she said calmly. "But not Alanna."

The Lioness grinned, and put a few well-placed pins in the dress. "There," she said. "The dress will hold, as long as you don't bend too far over."

Buri smiled. "Thanks, 'Lanna. See, Thayet? Nothing to worry about."

_Wait and see, _Alanna though. _Wait and see._

* * *

The wedding was held outdoors, under a white canvas that had been placed over the whole event to shade them from the elements. The day was overcast, but nothing could stop Buri from walking down the aisle.

Kel, who was a close friend of Buri's, was allowed to sit in the row closest to the altar beside Alanna. The two monarchs were on a raised dais to the side, in their wedding finest.

When Buri emerged and began to walk down the aisle, everyone gasped: The wedding dress was scantily low, making the men blush and the women putting their hands over their husband's eyes.

_Looks like my pins aren't holding too much,_ Alanna told herself with a smile. Buri's dress left the collarbone area empty, and instead small pieces of fabric joined the lead down her arms in sleeves. In thus meant the dress was supposed to support itself with the bosom, which it was failing at.

At the alter, Buri took Raoul's hand, who seemed very preoccupied with her breasts.

"My eyes are up here, my dear," she whispered to him. He reddened.

Everyone shifted in his or her seat, and silence descended upon the hundred or so guests.

"Welcome," said the priest in a voice that Alanna wished she had at her own wedding, "and today we are witnessing the joining of two lives. Instead of myself stating why these two love each other, they have written their own vows. I therefore wish to present Sir Raoul of Goldenlake and Malorie's Peak to you."

The crowds turned their eyes to Raoul, who coughed.

"Today," he said in a neutral voice, trying to look Buri in the eyes, "my dreams are coming true. Buri, you've always been my breast friend-"

He paused, and the crowd's eyes popped open. Thayet held back the wish to tackle Raoul.

"And-and best friends are always there for you." Raoul continued without any further mistakes, and Buri said her vows with such sincerity that made even Alanna want to cry. When the priest finally married them, the crows erupted into a roar that marked the end of Raoul's bachelorhood that was known around the realm.

Raoul bent to kiss her, and as he did so, Buri felt an uncomfortable breeze where she knew there should not be. When she looked down, she found that he dress had slipped to under her bosom.

The crowd gasped- the men stared while the women tried even harder to cover their eyes. Alanna felt terrible for her friend, but knew that her ultimate prank had been pulled when she placed the pins in such a position.

"Well," commented Raoul as Buri tried to hoist her dress up, "it's not like I haven't seen them before."

Alanna and Kel both tried to not kill themselves from laughter, and even the monarchs tried not to grin as once again the pair went into a kiss, Buri's hands glued to the dress.

* * *

The dancing hall was beautiful, with elaborate tapestries and intricate statues placed at intervals along the wall. Tables were placed at the sides for those who wished not to dance. Jon called for silence on his dais, Thayet at his side.

"We wish," he said with a playful tone, "to have the couple lead the first dance."

Raoul grabbed Buri's hand, who still had one hand glued to her chest. "You know," he told her, "I was finally taught how to dance."

-

"Oh, gods," whispered Dom to Kel on the sidelines, "he's actually going to do it."

-

When the orchestra struck up the tune, Raoul daintily placed his hands on Buri's chest. Her eyes went open. "And who exactly taught you this dance?" she asked, placing her hands on his hips.

"Dom…why?"

"Let's just say a whole lot of conservatives are going to be hunting for you, tomorrow," she told him. He looked at the sidelines, and every guest looked stricken at the position of his hands. Dom was nowhere to be found.

He took her hint. "This isn't how you dance?"

"No," she said, whirling around in circles with him, "but I like it just fine."

Raoul grinned at his new wife, and thought to himself, _Dom, if you ever get married, you don't know what's coming._

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A/N- For LouLaBelle13, who recommend Raoul/Buri. Please review!


	3. NealYuki

A/N- Thanks to all my reviewers, you guys are seriously awesome. Every review I get makes me update faster, so please take a minute and press that pretty blue-purple button at the bottom left-hand corner of your screen. Thanks!

Because I'm trying to do this as chronically-ordered as possible (I already have to go back to D/N) Neal and Yuki is next, not Kel/Dom. Heck, I might not even write a K/D.

Wow. That was strangely evil. I shock myself. Anyways, enough with my rambling and on with the story!

* * *

**Neal/Yuki Wedding**

_Yamani Blossom, I love you so much_

_You make me feel every touch._

_The wind may blow and the trees may sway,_

_But please, my Blossom, never go away._

_The mountains may fall and the sea may break,_

_We'll always be together, that's no mistake!_

_When we first met, I think you slapped me,_

_That's no problem, now we are free._

_I was once nearly decapitated by you,_

_That's fine; I'll love you true._

_Your hair is silken and smooth_

_You have the ability to soothe_

_Your lips, your eyes, it's all perfect,_

_You've made me a Yuki addict!_

_So here is where I end my tale_

_Now let's go and brake out the ale!_

_-_

Silence descended on the room after Dom finished reading.

"Did Neal just put 'decapitated' in his love poem?" Kel asked the group, grimacing.

"Mithros," breathed the newly-wed Raoul. "I didn't think it was possible."

The group of five –Kel, Dom, Raoul, Buri and Alanna- had met in The Lioness's chambers to discuss the invitation they had received, with an absolutely _horrid _poem printed on the outside.

"Has Yuki seen this?" asked Buri, taking the invitation from Kel.

Kel shook her head. "It's Yamani custom for the bride to take care of the actual wedding ceremony, and for the groom to supervise the decorations and invitations. Neither one can be aware of what the other is doing, or, in Yamani custom, they receive a lifetime of eternal doom."

"That's nice," commented Buri, who promptly tore the invitation in half. "The Yamanis are so kind."

Alanna grabbed a chair and sat in it. "So what do we do? When Yuki sees this after the wedding, she'll probably go ahead and finish decapitating him."

Dom stared into the ground. "I've been thinking about this whole wedding thing..."

Buri put the torn pieces of the invitation to the side. "So? What is it?"

"Kel was telling me that the Yamanis have no priest to conduct the ceremony, just the highest-ranking nobility in the area be convinced that the two love each other. In this case, our dear king, coming from Corus, will take up the cause."

Alanna's head shot up. "What? No one-"

Dom continued, "So in other words, the two make up their own vows. Neal's got to have his written _somewhere, _and if the invitation is suggesting anything, it's that they're awful.So we re-write the vows, which I'm guessing are poetry, and replace it with something decent. The invitation is nothing compared to the vows!"

Alanna finally broke through. "First of all, Neal can't be _that _thick to realize that his vows have been replaced!"

* * *

Neal _was _that thick. When he went searching for his vows in his desk, he pulled out the piece of parchment he had written them on. It read: _A thousand men_

_And a thousand reasons _

_Could not keep me away from you._

_The first time we met_

_I was sure that my heart would never be replaced_

_For you broke it in two just then._

_I was sure at that moment_

_My life would forever change_

_For you entered it._

Neal looked up in disgust. That was _awful! _How could he write anything that bad? He saw the poetry –if you could call it that- went on for a few pages.

"I've really got to stop drinking and writing at the same time," he mumbled to himself.

The wedding to his ever-so-lovely Yamani Blossom was only in a day, and he couldn't write more vows in such a short period of time!

"I could have sworn I wrote different ones…"

Alanna was beside herself. She had no idea that the king was coming to Steadfast- today!

"You!" she barked at a guard alongside a wall. "Pay attention! If I'd been Scanran you'd be dead right now!"

Raoul tapped on her shoulder from behind her. "As would you. Reflexes a little off, Lioness?"

In one fluid movement she drew her ever-present dagger and held it against his throat, pinning him to the wall.

"As yours, Commander."

The doors down the hallway burst open, revealing a very flustered Neal. He spun around, looking for someone to bleed his soul to. Spotting Alanna and Raoul, he started screaming down the hall, "My creative touch! It's gone! Butchered! My heart yearns for the midnight day when I could write like I could love!"

"Obviously not very well," muttered Alanna. When he was in talking distance she added, "What do you mean, former squire?"

Neal held up the parchment the revised vows were written on. Raoul and Alanna exchanged looks- maybe Neal wasn't as stupid as they thought. "Look! I must have been _drunk _or have been beaten up by Dom or something when I wrote these!" Or, maybe he _was_ as stupid as they thought.

"How so?" asked Raoul. Alanna had spelled the vows to be written in Neal's writing, but you could never tell with Sir Meathead, as the Own had learned to call him.

"They're _awful! _Peachblossom could have written better vows- and that's saying something!"

Alanna twitched. She would not lose her temper, she would not lose her temper, she- "Nealan! Those vows are better than you could _dream! _I went and _personally _wro-"

Raoul put a gloved hand over his friend's mouth, making her drop to her knees from the added weight. Alanna hadwritten those vows, and had spent half the night doing so.

"Erm, Alanna's having her little 'monthly problem' right now, you know how _they _get when they're like that. No logic, no thinking. Just yap-yap-yap-complain. I wish I had an excuse to be an ass for a week." Raoul said, feeling Alanna try to open her mouth to bite his hand.

Raoul was afraid Neal would ask how he knew Alanna was going through her monthlies –he had no idea if she was, though-, as he had no excuse. He didn't have to worry.

"Raoul? What are 'monthly problems'?"

Neal looked confused, and Alanna just stared and stopped trying to sever Raoul's hand.

Raoul straightened. "Neal, you're a healer. Haven't- haven't women come to you? Or hasn't your father, or even Yuki, told you?"

"Tell me what?" asked Neal, sounding like a child.

"Gods. Your father must have figured you'd find out in enough time. Well, Neal, time for a very painful lesson about females."

* * *

"And that," Raoul finished, "are what 'monthlies' are." 

Neal stared in disgust at Raoul, and Alanna, who was present for the whole talk.

* * *

When Neal returned to his chambers as a single man for the last time, he found Yuki already in bed. 

"Yuki, dear," started Neal.

"Yes, love?" Yuki responded calmly.

"I never knew you had monthlies."

Neal was shocked at how fast the _shukusen_ flew from the side of the table, to Yuki's hand, to the wall an inch from Neal's right ear.

* * *

The morning of the wedding was dark, rainy, and full of threatening lightning on the horizon. Animals hid in their burrows, afraid of the rain. There were no doves, no clear sunny omens in the sky. It looked like later that day there would be a torrential rain that the residents of Steadfast would remember for a while. However- 

"Isn't today an absolutely _lovely _day? So many little scurrying animals about! Today is _perfect _for a wedding!" Neal's voice, which the inhabitants of the fort were very sick of by now, echoed through the hall. He was whistling down to the training yards to watch men of the Own be beat up when something tackled him from behind.

"Neal!" barked Kel. "Shut up! Raoul's looking for you!"

"Really, my dearest friend? Where is thy Raoul present?" he asked. Kel gave him a look that yelled, say-another-word-and-my-glaive-will-be-in-your-stomach.

"He's in the private study on _the left side _of the hall. Steadfast isn't exactly meant for weddings, so you'll get ready in there. Remember, _on the left. _Yuki's in the right. If you accidentally barge in on her, you know what that means-,"

"Yes, yes," he said. "The gods will proclaim me eternally damned and the rest of my life will be one hellish moment after another. Yes, Yuki's told me about that little snag. I'm not so stupid to go there, Kel."

"Good!" she replied, "now go get ready, lover boy."

Neal looked shock. "But the wedding's not until noon!"

Kel nodded. "And it's three hours till then. Go! Scurry away! Begone!"

Neal squeaked, and obeyed.

He went the opposite direction he had come from. Who did Kel think he was, going into the study on the _right?_ He wasn't that stupid. Actually, he wasn't that stupid at all. He was just trying to get married, a young man he was, and that was all! And Kel was reprimanding him for something he didn't even do! She needed a man herself. Maybe Wolset, he was a good enough man, or even Aiden. Any one of those would do. Perhaps even-

"_Eternal damnation!_" a voice shrieked. Neal snapped out of his thoughts. He was in a study…the study on the right side of the mess. A Yamani woman was staring at him, obviously having no idea what to do.

"No!" he said, trying to save the situation. "No! I haven't seen Yuki."

He covered his eyes, and tightened his fingers when he heard, "Nealan? What are you doing?"

It was Yuki's voice.

"Oh, nothing dear," he said. "Just- just checking up on things. I'll be going now-"

"_Eternal damnation!_" the woman shrieked as Neal back out of the room.

"Oh, shut it," came Yuki's unusually frank reply.

When Neal was completely out of the study, he heard the door slam. He dropped his hands, and found Kel staring at him. He yelped.

"'I'm not so stupid to go there, Kel,'" she quoted. "Nice one, Meathead. Dom will have a field day with _this._"

* * *

The wedding _was _held in the mess hall, but it held no resemblance. Alanna and Numair had outdone themselves- the whole room was painted white, pinks, and yellows, with the Yamani blossom flowers painted over. Every resident of Steadfast was permitted to attend, and it was such the reason for the church-like pews that lined the mess. Instead of an altar at the front of the room, a simple table held a long, circular ribbon.

Kel, Alanna, various knights that were close friends of Neal, and the various nobles present occupied the front pews on the left side. On the right were Yamanis that had come to see Shinkokami married, and had stayed before going on the long voyage home.

The pews finished filling when suddenly Kel gasped. "What?" asked Alanna, to her immediate left. Raoul turned his head towards her, on her right.

"The vows," she breathed. "I forgot. Neal isn't allowed to carry any up with him, and he _didn't have time to memorize the new ones_."

Alanna and Raoul started to stand, but Kel reached out to both of them to drag them down. "It's started," she whispered.

* * *

Neal was sweating. A Yamani man had just told him that he wasn't allowed to ready off any piece of paper for his vows. He tugged at his Yamani-styled tunic and hose, trying to make it fit better.

"I'm going to die," he whispered to himself.

"Getting married is just like it," the Yamani man told him in fluent Common.

* * *

Kel, Alanna and Raoul fidgeted as Yuki came through the center doors to the mess. She was in a pale pink Yamani kimono, with the outer pale blue. The obi matched the other pink, and a flower was tucked in her hair. She had on many face-paints, although it was attractive, not over-done.

Unlike normal weddings, there was no aisle; instead, she went around the pews to the right. She had taken a few steps when Neal appeared, looking strangely calm, and he started walking to the left.

When they arrived at the table, Jon was waiting.

"Please," he said. "State your reasons for wanting to join in this matrimonial way."

Yuki went first, as tradition declared clearly.

"Nealan of Queenscove is my one true love. Without each other, we are incomplete. To deny us of each other is like denying a flower the sun.

"There are none other like him. He is caring, compassionate, reasonable-," Kel and Alanna looked at each other with wry looks, "- and incredibly thoughtful. That is why I, Yukimi noh Daiomoru, wish to marry Neal."

The king nodded. "And you, Nealan of Queenscoe?"

Kel, Alanna and Raoul all sucked in their breath. This was going to be very, very bad.

"Yukimi noh Daiomoru is… is very nice," He said with a straight face. "I like her very much."

"Gods," remarked Alanna.

Neal struggled with his words, something that had _never _happened before.

"Er, with your permission, sir, I'll go against normal tradition in the way I present my vows."

Jon nodded, face uncompassionate. "So be it."

Neal nodded, took a breath, and with a clear voice stated:

_Yamani Blossom, I love you so much_

_You make me feel every touch._

_The wind may blow and the trees may sway,_

_But please, my Blossom, never go away._

_The mountains may fall and the sea may break,_

_We'll always be together, that's no mistake!_

_When we first met, I think you slapped me,_

_That's no problem, now we are free._

_I was once nearly decapitated by you,_

_That's fine; I'll love you true._

_Your hair is silken and smooth_

_You have the ability to soothe_

_Your lips, your eyes, it's all perfect,_

_You've made me a Yuki addict!_

_So here is where I end my tale_

_Now let's go and brake out the ale!_

There was not a word, nor a sound, or anything in the mess hall. Neal had quoted the invitation word-for-word.

"Is Neal dead yet?" whispered Kel, through closed eyes.

"I don't know. My eyes are closed," said Raoul.

"As are mine," remarked Alanna.

The trio slowly opened their eyes, to reveal a clearly-shocked Jon, a trembling Neal, and Yuki with her mouth open.

"Oh, Neal!" Yuki exclaimed. "That was _beautiful!_"

Shock rippled through the hall; Kel's jaw dropped.

Neal smiled. "Really?"

"_Anything _that's done by you is beautiful!" she replied.

Jon gathered himself. "Seeing as you two love and care for each other through both good and bad," he put the ribbon over their hands, "I herby pronounce you, with the power invested in me by my father, King Roald, husband and wife." Jon cut the gold ribbon with a knife, and it fell to the floor.

It took the audience a few more moments to clap and cheer as Neal and Yuki descended into their first kiss together.

"Well, that turned out surprisingly well," commented Dom from the pew behind Kel amidst the noise. "Shame, really."

Kel laughed. "Poor Nealan, he just got married _and _just found out about females having monthlies. He's in for a rough next few years."

Dom looked confused.

"What are monthlies?" he asked.

Raoul, overhearing, just muttered, "Find out yourself."

* * *

A/N- Poor Nealan, this chapter was easy to write, with him being oh-so susceptible to my torturing.

Please review! Any future-chapter ideas are highly welcome.

Post-Script Randomness: Anyone here seen the movie Hairspray? I loved it...see it if you haven't!


	4. KelDom 1

A/N- Sorry for not updating; my eighteen-year-old brother built a potato cannon, and I've been checking it out. Yes, a potato cannon. We don't shoot potatoes, but tennis balls, as the former would definitely kill you. When my brother and his friend shot it (it takes two to hold it) it broke the wood covering the fence, broke the actual fence, and the tennis ball. And that's only a third of its potential. It was _sweet. _

Ah, but that's not why I didn't update; I was in the Emergency Room as I got food poisoning and, well, you can't update there. When I got home I couldn't exactly stand either, or eat food, so sleeping was really my only option.

Anyways, this will be the K/D wedding (no, not Kraft Dinner), as I fear decapitation from my reviewers otherwise.

* * *

The day Domitan of Masbolle asked Raoul what married life was like was also the worst day of his life, he decided later.

"Dom?" asked Raoul, sitting in his chambers, sorting through his reports. He looked like he was nearly drowning in them, but gave his full attention to the Sergeant. He had a grin that stretched from ear-to-ear. "Someone special in mind?"

Dom blushed vividly, scuffing his feet on the floor. "No, sir! I was just…curious. Nothing more, sir. Nothing. It's not like I _need _woman either, I get plenty of them at the villages around here, even though I haven't recently-"

Raoul put his hands up. "Please Domitan, no more! I don't need to hear of your frolics in the village."

Slowly, Dom put himself on the bed. "Sir? Really, how is it? Marriage?"

Raoul shifted in his seat, putting the quill in the other hand. "Like your soul is ripped out of your chest. Your independence drained. 'Raoul' is no more."

The younger man stared at him with an open mouth. Raoul, astonished, saw that Dom believed him.

"Dom, it's not _that _bad," he added. Actually, getting married was the best thing he had ever done, but he didn't say that. "Just do what you want with it. …Why do you ask?"

Realizing his time was running out before Raoul chased the truth out of him, Dom bowed and drawled, "By your leave, sir."

When Dom had left Raoul's chambers, the latter put his hands together evilly.

"I can't _wait _to tell Alanna!" he exclaimed to himself loudly.

* * *

By noon Dom had learned Raoul was never to be trusted with a secret. In the practice courts, the other men of the Third Company jeered at him.

"So who's the lovely, lucky lady?" asked one of his men while he went sword-to-sword with Wolset. "How is she in bed?"

"Aww, come on!" shouted Lerant, sitting on the fence. "Like Dom's ever been in bed with someone!"

Sweat trickling down his face, Dom grinned while the fifteen or so odd men laughed.

"Men!" he yelled. "I've been in bed more times than all of you _combined_."

"Is that so, Domitan? That's news to me."

Dom turned towards the voice, allowing Wolset to come and hit the sword out of his hand. He scowled and held his throbbing hand, but still came up to the fence where Keladry of Mindelan now perched. Wolf-whistles filled the courts. It seemed that all of New Hope –where Third Company, as well as the Lioness was temporary stationed- knew of Dom's courting the Lady Knight.

"Why yes, my dear Keladry, it is," he said, voice slick. "In fact, I personally believe that I have broken the palace record."

Kel punched him on the shoulder. "And what was that- zero?"

Dom paled, and grasped his heart. "How did you know?" he gasped, voice sarcastic.

-

"Oh, this will be _great!_" called Alanna. "I think I've outdone myself, really. Dom will never have seen it coming."

"My dear Alanna, isn't this a bit…cruel?" remarked Raoul, sitting in his chair. They were both watching the scene below in the practice courts with interest.

"I can't fight my second nature, Raoul," she grinned. "If this goes well, we'll see if Dom is really in love with Keladry. If not…"

"Then you'll have broken up the relationship," he finished. Standing with a sigh, he added, "Alanna, you're outstretching yourself here. Gods, Dom will see right through you."

She looked directly into his eyes. "Well, they say love is blind, so I guess I won't have any problems."

-

Alanna's plan was to take into affect that evening, in the mess where the Third Company would _all _be in attendance.

Standing outside of the main doors, where no one could see her, she asked Buri, "So? Did my spell work?"

Buri looked over her friend, and scowled. "Are you- are you supposed to look like a wench who works the upstairs rooms in inns?" she asked.

"Yes, that was the desired affect. Actually, I modeled it around your using face paint on me."

Buri grinned; Alanna had spelled herself to look like the cliché version of a wench. The body was "full" and had large assets, the face was hollow, large blonde hair, large lips and eyes, and had face paint plastered on.

"So wait, Alanna, what are you trying to do?" Buri asked, confused. Alanna had simply come to her that evening, asking for assistance.

"Raoul came to me today saying that Domitan, a Sergeant in Third Company, wanted to know what married life was life-"

"Did he say it was agony and that he had no soul left?" Buri asked, smiling.

"He might have mentioned that. Anyways, Domitan's famous with the ladies. I'd like to see what would happen if his past caught up with his present. I'm going to go in there, as a woman who Dom 'supposedly' had a relationship with, and see what'll happen, if Dom goes with me or not. I doubt so. I just want this as proof he loves Kel. "

Buri nodded, but said, "Alanna, that's not a good idea. What if Dom and Kel have a fight over this? Or find out it's you?"

Their conversation was interrupted momentarily when a man from the Own came out of the mess and saw them. His dark hair was sweat-streaked and his eyes had bags under them, meaning he was drunk. After one glance at Alanna he raised his eyebrows. "Hey there, lady, I can show you around tonight. How 'bout it?" he asked.

_Oh, my, _thought Buri. _This won't be pretty. _

In three seconds flat Alanna had him pinned to the floor.

"I like ladies who fight back!" he added, feebly. Seeing he wouldn't go anywhere with Alanna, he turned to Buri.

"How 'bout you? A bit young, but hey, they're tender then."

Alanna, despite herself, grinned. Buri was only a few years younger than Alanna, but beside the spelled version of the Lioness she looked much younger than she was.

Buri stalked over to him, picked him up, and threw him to the wall. "I don't know how you got in the Own, or why you don't know who I am, but I personally will have you thrown out."

He shivered at the tone of her voice. "Aye, mistress," he said. Freed from her grasp, he ran down the hall.

Dusting herself off, Buri turned back to Alanna. "Anyways, continue," she said.

* * *

The mess hall was a place Kel had eaten for the past months, but ever since she had returned from Steadfast months ago it had turned into a brighter place. Every rat, rodent, smell or mysterious substance was turned into something marvelous. She had deduced that Dom, being near her almost every moment of the day, had caused this.

After eating with the refugees for the past two weeks, it came time for her to dine with the King's Own men. She had to admit this was her favorite day; Dom never left her side with his flirting and playing small pranks.

Kel was about to comment on Dom's lack of talking, suddenly-

"Zee pain! Zee agony!" screeched a voice from the mess hall doors. All of the heads turned to the voice. It was a painfully-pretty site of a woman who looked like she had nothing better to do. Her expanse of bosom flowed out of her light-green cotton dress, forcing some of the men's eyes pop out of their sockets.

She picked up her skirts she ran to Dom, shrieking the whole way. "Domeeetan! I thought you prom_eesed _me zat you would love me 'orever!" She picked him up by the collar and forced him upwards- Dom was shocked by her strength.

The refugees and King's Own men stood, all looking for a better view of this…woman…thing…

"And who might you be?" he asked, while Kel stood close to him, worried.

"_Me?_ You do not remember _me? _My name ees Henrietta Von Liechtenstein! A month ago Domeetan an' I were lovers!"

The crowd whispered to themselves; Kel fought a gasp as she came to face the woman.

"And how did you come here, Ms. Liechtenstein? My name is Sir Keladry of Mindelan and-"

"Trollop!" she shouted. "You stole m' man, bitch!"

Kel's breath was knocked to her heart. "Excuse me!" she said, raising her voice. "But you cannot simply _barge _in here saying-"

"Enough!" shrieked Alanna, under the pretense of Henrietta Von Liechtenstein. Feeling only slightly guilty, but knowing it was for the better, she continued, "Domeetan promised me his heart and his hand in marriage! I await you, Domeetan!"

With a swish of skirts, she vanished from the hall.

Kel stared at the astonished Dom. In a low, deadly voice she asked, "What was that about?"

"I- I don't know," he stammered. "Kel…"

"Trouble in paradise!" shouted Derom, Dom's second corporal. In one fluid movement Dom had thrust him onto the table. He did not say a word, but instead gave him a glare he would remember for the rest of his life.

Kel had her Yamani face on, meaning that she wanted out of the situation. Dom had never received that look from her before.

"Kel, I don't know her. Even if I did, she meant _nothing!_"

For the first time in her life, Kel couldn't think of any type of response. Instead, she wheeled herself around, out of the mess hall.

Dom put his face in his hands. Derom, seeing that he couldn't get on worse terms, said, "Really, Sergeant, you don't know a damn thing about women."

* * *

"Gods, Alanna! You idiot! You've saved Tortall, got us the Dominion Jewel, brought a queen to us and _now look what you did._"

Raoul's voice bled poison. Knowing Raoul was a second father to Kel, Alanna knew she would never hear the end of this. "I know, I know," she responded. "My plan back- failed. Dom's ready to get rid of his past, but apparently, not Kel. Who knows how much he's told her, anyways."

Two days after the mess hall encounter, Kel had barely spoken a word to Dom. Alanna realized that it was her fault, but couldn't say anything to Kel or Dom that would incriminate herself.

"We have to get them back together!" shouted Buri. Seeing as they were in the stables and anyone could hear, she was quickly silenced by their looks. "It's our fault. We could have at least _stopped _you," she wryly told the Lioness.

"But _how _do we help" asked Raoul. "We'd have to make it inconspicuous!"

Alanna, not speaking for a moment, paused brushing Darkmoon. "Maybe," she started, "maybe Dom will go to Neal. Dom trusts Neal, however much they both dislike saying so. Perhaps Dom will ask Neal for help- he'd the only person he'd ask. Anyone else would most likely punch him for treating Kel that way or ignore him for making himself known with the women and not telling them about the ladies."

"That's for sure," snorted Buri. "We know for a fact Dom hasn't seen someone for nearly a year now, as well. We would have heard it through the rumor mill, otherwise."

"So," came in Raoul, "we tell _Neal _what to tell _Dom?_"

Alanna nodded. "Exactly."

"But what if Neal tells Dom that we told him to tell Dom what we told him?"

Thinking through Buri's complicated sentence, she slowly responded, "We'll bribe him. Or, blackmail him. I have my ways," she said to her questioning look. "Four years with him teaches one a lot."

"But what if Dom doesn't ask Neal?" questioned Raoul. "Then we're back at the start!"

"We can't doubt ourselves from the beginning," responded Alanna. "So, here's what we tell Neal…"

-

Horrified, Kel found a tear running down her cheek. The only other times she had cried were when someone, or something in her sparrows' cases, died. How could she cry over a stupid _man?_

She had taken sanctuary in throwing herself in the refugees' plans for New Hope to keep herself from pining over Dom. Either way; her thoughts always came back to the Sergeant.

_He betrayed me for another woman,_ she thought to herself. _He doesn't even deserve to be in my thoughts._

* * *

Dom was appalled at himself; he didn't even _know _the woman who had marched herself into the mess hall! Did he become drunken one day, and find an inn somewhere?

Realizing that his men did not like conversing with him anymore, he knew what he had to do: talk to Meathead about what to do in this case. He was married; he knew woman.

-

"Me? Know about _women?_" asked Neal, shocked. "Really, I might as well try and figure out those cursed monthlies."

Yuki, reading a book over in the far side of their chambers, fingered her _shukusen _carefully, her eyescrinkling at the corners.

Neal, sitting down, shuddered. "So, I heard about your little incident. Fruithead," he added.

Raising his eyebrows, Dom asked, "First of all, everyone knows about 'my little incident'. And secondly, _Fruithead? _Couldn't you think of a better name for me? 'Meathead' shows originality, 'Fruithead' shows stupidity. 'Lumphead' or 'Dunghead' would have been better."

Neal sighed. "_Domitan_…nevermind."

Yuki put down her book. "Domitan," she said, properly pronouncing his name in Common, "if you don't mind me asking, but why are you here?"

He sighed. "I- I wanted to know what to do. Seeing as you're married, _Neal, _I thought you might know how to help me gain her trust back. Even so, I didn't know that woman!"

Neal looked at his cousin with interest. "You didn't?" he paused. "Sorry, but I have no idea how to help."

Yuki, for the first time in her life, rolled her eyes. Alanna, Raoul, and Buri had previously come by to tell Neal what to do if Dom came to ask about Kel. Apparently, he had already forgotten.

He yelped; Yuki had hit him with the base of the _shukusen_. "Nealan! How can you be so thick?" she asked, amused. "Domitan, your answer is simple."

Dom's eyes lit up. "_How?_" he asked, desperate.

"Woman want their affections to be won," she told him, relaying what Alanna had originally told Neal. "You must convince Kel of your love!"

"Ahh!" Neal said, remembering. "Didn't Ala-"

Luckily, Dom didn't hear. "Convince Kel of my love?" he asked. Yuki nodded.

"This will be interesting…" Neal muttered.

* * *

A/N- Woah! Two-parter! Please, don't say, "I liked the last one better, it was funnier" in your review. This is the starter-chapter for the next one. –heh heh- And, I just got over food poisoning. Not fun.

My document manager tried to kill me while I was uploading this; it said it was an 'empty file'. Anyone else get this problem? I bypassed it by going into the 'edit/preview' mode of a previous chapter, and pasting this into it.

So please review, it'll help me heal faster. Actually, I'm fully recovered, but it's a good excuse. If you have _any _ideas for _any _pairings, please tell me! I'll give full credit to those who do.

Please review!

-pokes pretty purpley-blue button-


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